Last week, my husband’s grandfather unexpectedly passed away from COVID. He was a WWII veteran who was in fine health for his age, and was someone who should have lived to see his 97th birthday (yesterday) had the facility he was staying in done their job to take care and protect our veterans. In his passing, our family has come together to celebrate his life, share their favorite memories and stories of Poppy, everyone celebrating the amazing man he truly was. While his passing was heartbreaking and these last few days have been heavy on the heart, the out pour of love and support from family and friends across the country has been something beautiful.
If there is anything I’ve come to appreciate during this time of social distancing, it’s the importance of family, and how strong of a role these bonds play in my life. It’s been a long time since I’ve sat back and thought about my life and how thankful I am for the people in it, and both social distancing and the passing of his grandfather have really got me thinking about all of this the last few days. I’ve had days where my emotions and feelings have totally taken over my body without warning – feelings of loneliness, of wanting to hug my parents, my sister, my friends, feelings of anger and embarrassment over losing my job before this started, and still being out a job due to the world temporarily shutting down. I feel sad being forced to temporarily live in a world where we now are told to stay away from people, keep your distance in grocery stores and public settings, and miss the days of making friendly small talk with the person next to me while grabbing my produce for the week. Keeping a distance of 6 feet is now the new norm, and its a little lonely. So many days I feel totally heartbroken for the girls, thinking about all of the great high-school memories they are missing out on, the thoughts of Sydney missing her senior year – prom, graduation, her final year walking the halls with her friends, of Autumn missing her sophomore year, missing sweet 16 celebrations and drivers ed….all of this is constantly swirling about in my mind, weighing me down, crushing my heart, and if I’m being totally honest, some days the only thing I feel I can do is cry.
For 3 months now my world has been turned upside down, and I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of the control on how I live my life. I have to remind myself that I’m not the only one going through this, and that there are others who are worse off than I am, and in these moments I try and think about the positives that have come of this. The one positive I keep coming back to is my family, and how thankful I am to have them all in my life. Not being able to leave the house has forced us to slow down, to not take life or time for granted, and has created some really fun and beautiful moments in this house. While it’s sad to admit, before this forced time home, I can’t really remember the last time my house sat down together and played games. Everyone has their own life now – work, school, cheer, gymnastics – and family time has slowly taken a backseat. I’ve played more games and puzzles with the girls than I have in a really long time, and it’s been great. Brett and I have sat down together to play SO many rounds of Sequence. We’ve been together for almost 8 years, and I don’t think we’ve ever once played a game. I truly look forward to the times where we all put our phones down, shut the TV off, put on Spotify’s “Top Hits of the 50’s” and play Uno and Spoons and Monopoly and Sequence for hours, just having fun being together.
The girls and I have also taken to baking, which again, is something that I wasn’t too big into before all of this. I’ve spent so many years being mindful of the food I’m eating and what I’m putting into my body, that I’ve come to almost be afraid to make baked goods and have them in the house. I feel a little sad that I’ve held back on that, as I now see how fun it is being in the kitchen baking with them, or sitting back watching the girls get creative and use their imaginations to come up with new recipes. This past Sunday when Autumn told me she was bored, I challenged her to come up with a recipe she can make from scratch using only the ingredients we had in the house. Her solution was mini baked apple pies, making the dough and filling from scratch. She also took pancake mix and made her friend a blueberry pancake cake with maple glaze frosting, to help her friend celebrate her 16th birthday. Using this time to be creative in the kitchen has created a lot of fun (and delicious!) memories, and has helped us connect in a way I didn’t realize was missing.
My mom’s birthday was earlier this month, and I was really sad about not being able to see her and give her a hug. Usually for her birthday we’d all meet up at a half-way point for some lunch or dinner out, but that wasn’t an option this year. It challenged my sister and I to show our love for her in another way, and surprising her in the driveway with handmade signs and half-dozen donuts from DD was a celebration that I’ll never forget. The expression on her face, the way her eyes lit up, the pure joy and happiness to just see us – from 6 feet away, of course – it’s something I’ll always hold close to my heart. I’ve seen my parents a few times, dropping off supplies in our driveway, picking up food I made them for Easter dinner, each time in masks, staying away from each other. It’s made me appreciate my conversations with them, has forced us to really listen to each other and enjoy our time together in unconventional ways than what we are used to.
There have been Zoom cocktail hours with our friends, FaceTime calls with nieces and nephews and grandparents and cousins, and last night we held a Zoom dinner in honor of Poppy’s 97th birthday, complete with a cake and candles and a toast to family. There were 15 of us on the call, and while it was a little chaotic and loud, it was also perfect, filled with laughter and stories shared, bonding over forgotten memories from childhood, and celebrating the amazing life Poppy lived.
All of this change – all the sadness and uncertainty and anxiety it brings – it’s been hard. But it’s also been a time of slowing down, pumping the breaks on the hustle and rushing throughout our days trying to cram 600 things in at once, and that slow down has been refreshing. Having nothing but time has helped changed my outlook on life, has made me refocus my attention to what is important, and has made me love my family and friends a whole lot more.
